It appalled me that someone greenlit a movie as vapid as this. I looked around to see if anybody else could hear the cringe-worthy, garbage dialogue lifelessly floating between characters. No one to mockingly laugh with when more ill-witted, self-absorbed characters thought they had something clever to say-which they never did. It was terrible especially watching it alone. When you check the time during the movie and see that you still have to trudge through an hour of this garbage Unimportant and insignificant characters come in and out of the storyline with no substance or purpose. Even Matthew Morrison shows up at one point just to hold DeHaan as he cries. Along the way the film manages to squeeze in other big names like Judi Dench and Zach Galifiankis, but no amount of name-dropping will give this film the attention it desires but so obviously does not deserve-especially when these supporting characters exist for only one purpose and then disappear for most of the film. While Sophia sneaks off to see her forbidden lover, her handmaid and the narrator of the film, Maria (Holliday Grainger), busies herself just as much with the local fishmonger William (Jack O’Connell). The film centers on Sophia (Alicia Vikander)-an orphan girl sold off to rich businessman Cornelis Sandvoort (Christoph Waltz)-and her affair with the young painter Jan van Loos (Dane DeHaan). I don’t know what this film does best: shuffle in a slew of bland characters who contribute nothing to the story, or continually bounce back and forth between uninteresting, imbecilic subplots. The hardest 107 minutes of my life, might I add, and I’ve been dragged to Soul Cycle early in the morning. I sat in the middle of the theatre waiting for the trailers to end, casually popping chocolate-chip Teddy Grahams into my mouth-totally unaware of the terror I was about to experience for the next 107 minutes. Which is why I think TULIP FEVER would have been at least a little bit tolerable if I hadn’t been the only person in the cinema. In other words, it’s harder to go through traumatic events alone. Studies reveal that patients who experienced a certain trauma alongside another person or group were more likely to feel stronger in the situation as well as recover at a faster rate. Never underestimate the profound impact of human connection. This article previously appeared on Crossfader
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June 2023
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